"Please don't be mad at me..."

That's what she pleaded when she explained my own personality to me. I cannot be angry. If anything, her explanation made everything so much clearer and I think this conversation has brought us closer together.

You see, I'm a gatherer. I will take what you give me and hold it and carry it for you if you don't want to deal with it. I know how hard it is to carry all of these things for people. I try not to give others the burdens that belong to me. I know how heavy it gets. I know how scared one can be when charged with burying someone else's dead body.

I've concluded that no matter what the school definition is for the types of family units, every family is broken in some way. I can't even begin to address mine even though I come from a 'nuclear' family. I bet you have a similar tale. We all have family secrets we don't want the world to know.

Independence

I had a conversation with an authority figure the other day. She was asking why kids didn't do things immediately. I asked, "Do you think that maybe it's a form of independence?" What I meant was, "Don't you think it is a way for the kids to find come kind of control in their lives?" But that obviously didn't come across when she looked at me and said, "That's wrong!" and continued to lecture about how kids should be obedient. I understood that she was trying to say that it is not good to be independent in disobedience, but still it hurt and part of me felt crushed. Really? It's not good to have control over my own life?

Today she gave a speech and said how proud she was that her kids had taken initiative to create their own chore chart and are taking control of their own lives. The contradiction irked me. Which is it? She is always talking like this. My sister would say that it is good to be your own person as long as it fits and conforms to the box of the authority figure. But isn't that always how it is? In any job, in any home, you have to fill the box of the authority figure. So at what point will you be free to follow your own conscience and be your own person in the box that you create for yourself? And then you have to ask, are you independent then?

Watching...

I have recently discovered that there is nothing more tiring than watching. Your eyes are constantly staring at a still object trying to find some meaning for you in it. Or in my case, you move your eyes constantly trying to keep track of 2 three-year-olds. It's nice when they take turns but it is hard to watch both of them at the same time when one wanders all over the yard and the other one is yelling for attention while they go down the slide. And then you add the occasional street crossing where you have to watch for cars so the neighbor kid doesn't get run over going home or back over to our house to play. That was yesterday afternoon.

Today we had a new set of neighbors over this morning. So I was doing the same thing I did yesterday with a three-year-old, 2 four-year-olds, a six-year-old, a seven-year-old, and a nine-year-old. I think. I'm guessing on the ages, but I did get to know all their names. I decided that God must have a lot of patience. Then I remembered that he has babysitters too. And while they don't get tired like I do, I'm sure they would wish we would calm down a bit.

Needless to say, after two days of this, I can honestly say that I'm glad to be done for the day. Now it's my time.

Attention...

It's interesting to see the things we do for attention. Children often get into things they know they're not supposed to....Actually, I don't think that changes over the years.

Young children will move sacks of potatoes or put the vinegar bottle in the living room. Sometimes they'll stuff their toys under refrigerators. Some teenagers get into drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc. And if they didn't do that stuff while in their teens, they go through it in their 20s (which is something like the "terrible twos" only on a grander scale and parents don't have as much control over discipline.

But since this is all to get attention, it's best to ignore it. Although sometimes it's hard not to look at those in their 20s and say, "You're an idiot."

On being good...

There is something to be said about being good. To use a Bleach reference, being good allows you to talk to your zanpakto to give you added strength and power. Some of us "religious" people call it the power of God. I have come to rely on it daily.

But sometimes being good has its down moments. It's how I lost most of my friends. It's why some of my friends expect me to lecture them when they do something they know is wrong. I think when I was younger, I probably did give several lectures. I don't any more. I don't have any thoughts to share about what they choose to do with their lives.

I feel sad though. I won't ever tell them that they make me sad. In the end, it doesn't matter since it is not my life and it is up to them to make the choices. I won't tell them that I will cry for the blessings lost to them. I won't tell them that my heart aches for them. I won't tell them. All that matters is that we are friends and I want to keep that for as long as they will let me. On my part, it will be forever. I hope it will be the same for them.

Is it enough?

I want to tell you, "Thank you," for coming back. I want to tell you, "Welcome home. I've missed you," since you were gone for so long. I want to tell you, "I love you," just because I do. You mean so much to me and I'm sorry if I don't tell you enough. You are dear to me. Your presence means a lot to me. I miss you when you aren't here.

I want to be there for you forever. When you leave the house I always say, "I love you! Be safe!" Because it is not my place to stand next to you with a sword and shield so we can fight the enemy together. My place for now is to wait for you to come back so you can tell me how the battle went and I can keep that trust in my heart.

You work so hard. I try to hard to support you. I just hope that my being there for you is enough because I don't know what else to do.I do my best at this small thing. I can only be here and tell you, "Welcome home. I love you!"

On feeling deeply...

I don't know if I've ever talked about this with anyone. But I don't feel deeply. I don't have ... maybe it would be better to say that I have never felt an emotion deeply enough to motivate me. Everything I have done, accomplished in my life to this point has been from a sense of duty to someone of a higher rank than me or to an institution that I have committed to. But now that I don't have one of those in my life, I find it hard to move. I have never felt an emotion deep enough to motivate me, to make me move. Not for my family, not for my friends, and certainly not for myself.

I have never felt an emotion deep enough to motivate me. I wonder which emotion it could be... What does it feel like? This feeling called "Passion". . .

I don't know yet...

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. One, when I got home from my mission in Argentina, I remember how amazing the Wasatch Mountains looked and how colorful the valley was. When I got home from my visit to the UK I remember thinking that in Utah, even green is brown. This really is a desert.

Also, I've been thinking about communication. You see, I have a friend and I'm sure I hurt his feelings because he hasn't written to me in weeks and I haven't been around to answer the phone when he calls. That last bit is not intentional. But I don't have any words to console him if that's what he's looking for. We are friends because we choose to be. That won't change for my end. But I have no feelings of sorrow or regret and don't know why it is I keep wondering if he would write to me if I said I was sorry. I don't know what I would be apologizing for. I guess I have to wait for him to want to write to me.

Oh, and Iron Man 2 was pretty good. It's on the library list.

On change and time...

I was told once that I'm living in the past. Literally, that is impossible. I, like you, am living in the present. But that doesn't mean that I am quite possibly living in shadow of the past. I find it hard to recreate myself, to be the me that I know I can be when I have always been the me that I have spent the last 20 some odd years creating.

Living takes time. Time is always in motion and so is life. No matter how much we wanat to reverse it, to do it over, time and life are always moving forward. We are not playing UNO. Living is a verb. It is described as an action word. And with any action comes change.

Change, like time and life, is inevitable. It simply is. So when I'm told that I live in the past, that means that for that person, I haven't changed. Which is illogical. Since I'm living, I have to have changed at least a little bit.

You see, in the past, I was so strict on the do's and don'ts. I was the good one, the nice one, the forgiving one. I was the one who told you what to do, who pointed out your faults and told you to be better. I don't remember saying such things with words, but perhaps my actions spoke that way since that is how I lost several friends and maybe even all of them now.

But the present me isn't always like that. I'm still the good one, but I have my bad side that you don't see. I'm still the nice one, but I have my mean side that you don't see. I'm still the forgiving one, because I don't let you see the grudges I hold on to. I will never tell you what to do anymore. We both need to trust our own judgment. I won't point out your faults. I have too many of my own to keep track of. And one big thing that is different. The me now will accept you no matter what.

I know how unreal that sounds. It seems like I'm trying to be some kind of super human. But with all my flaws, how can I not accept that you have yours, too?

You see, through all the time and living, we both have changed. But that doesn't change the fact that I will be your friend.

These days...

I woke up this morning with one thing in mind: edit stories. And I completed that task for today long before lunch. I ate lunch and watched a little tv. I hate daytime tv. And after that was done, I didn't know what to do with myself. I could edit some more I thought, but I didn't want to spend the day at the computer again. I needed to get out. To get away to somewhere...else. So I took a walk to the park and sat on the grass for a while before I walked back and got on the computer again.

To be honest, I was going to use this blog more frequently than I do. I was going to tell you all about how I am doing now that I'm home from my mission. But it's already been 3 years.

Now, I've graduated from college. I've applied for work and continue to practice my editing skills on the stories my friends and family members send me. I love it!

Because it's days like this, with the wind and the sun, that you just need to take the time away from the noise and fill your soul with peace for even five minutes so you can get through the rest of the day.