On change and time...

I was told once that I'm living in the past. Literally, that is impossible. I, like you, am living in the present. But that doesn't mean that I am quite possibly living in shadow of the past. I find it hard to recreate myself, to be the me that I know I can be when I have always been the me that I have spent the last 20 some odd years creating.

Living takes time. Time is always in motion and so is life. No matter how much we wanat to reverse it, to do it over, time and life are always moving forward. We are not playing UNO. Living is a verb. It is described as an action word. And with any action comes change.

Change, like time and life, is inevitable. It simply is. So when I'm told that I live in the past, that means that for that person, I haven't changed. Which is illogical. Since I'm living, I have to have changed at least a little bit.

You see, in the past, I was so strict on the do's and don'ts. I was the good one, the nice one, the forgiving one. I was the one who told you what to do, who pointed out your faults and told you to be better. I don't remember saying such things with words, but perhaps my actions spoke that way since that is how I lost several friends and maybe even all of them now.

But the present me isn't always like that. I'm still the good one, but I have my bad side that you don't see. I'm still the nice one, but I have my mean side that you don't see. I'm still the forgiving one, because I don't let you see the grudges I hold on to. I will never tell you what to do anymore. We both need to trust our own judgment. I won't point out your faults. I have too many of my own to keep track of. And one big thing that is different. The me now will accept you no matter what.

I know how unreal that sounds. It seems like I'm trying to be some kind of super human. But with all my flaws, how can I not accept that you have yours, too?

You see, through all the time and living, we both have changed. But that doesn't change the fact that I will be your friend.