Watching...

I have recently discovered that there is nothing more tiring than watching. Your eyes are constantly staring at a still object trying to find some meaning for you in it. Or in my case, you move your eyes constantly trying to keep track of 2 three-year-olds. It's nice when they take turns but it is hard to watch both of them at the same time when one wanders all over the yard and the other one is yelling for attention while they go down the slide. And then you add the occasional street crossing where you have to watch for cars so the neighbor kid doesn't get run over going home or back over to our house to play. That was yesterday afternoon.

Today we had a new set of neighbors over this morning. So I was doing the same thing I did yesterday with a three-year-old, 2 four-year-olds, a six-year-old, a seven-year-old, and a nine-year-old. I think. I'm guessing on the ages, but I did get to know all their names. I decided that God must have a lot of patience. Then I remembered that he has babysitters too. And while they don't get tired like I do, I'm sure they would wish we would calm down a bit.

Needless to say, after two days of this, I can honestly say that I'm glad to be done for the day. Now it's my time.

Attention...

It's interesting to see the things we do for attention. Children often get into things they know they're not supposed to....Actually, I don't think that changes over the years.

Young children will move sacks of potatoes or put the vinegar bottle in the living room. Sometimes they'll stuff their toys under refrigerators. Some teenagers get into drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc. And if they didn't do that stuff while in their teens, they go through it in their 20s (which is something like the "terrible twos" only on a grander scale and parents don't have as much control over discipline.

But since this is all to get attention, it's best to ignore it. Although sometimes it's hard not to look at those in their 20s and say, "You're an idiot."

On being good...

There is something to be said about being good. To use a Bleach reference, being good allows you to talk to your zanpakto to give you added strength and power. Some of us "religious" people call it the power of God. I have come to rely on it daily.

But sometimes being good has its down moments. It's how I lost most of my friends. It's why some of my friends expect me to lecture them when they do something they know is wrong. I think when I was younger, I probably did give several lectures. I don't any more. I don't have any thoughts to share about what they choose to do with their lives.

I feel sad though. I won't ever tell them that they make me sad. In the end, it doesn't matter since it is not my life and it is up to them to make the choices. I won't tell them that I will cry for the blessings lost to them. I won't tell them that my heart aches for them. I won't tell them. All that matters is that we are friends and I want to keep that for as long as they will let me. On my part, it will be forever. I hope it will be the same for them.

Is it enough?

I want to tell you, "Thank you," for coming back. I want to tell you, "Welcome home. I've missed you," since you were gone for so long. I want to tell you, "I love you," just because I do. You mean so much to me and I'm sorry if I don't tell you enough. You are dear to me. Your presence means a lot to me. I miss you when you aren't here.

I want to be there for you forever. When you leave the house I always say, "I love you! Be safe!" Because it is not my place to stand next to you with a sword and shield so we can fight the enemy together. My place for now is to wait for you to come back so you can tell me how the battle went and I can keep that trust in my heart.

You work so hard. I try to hard to support you. I just hope that my being there for you is enough because I don't know what else to do.I do my best at this small thing. I can only be here and tell you, "Welcome home. I love you!"

On feeling deeply...

I don't know if I've ever talked about this with anyone. But I don't feel deeply. I don't have ... maybe it would be better to say that I have never felt an emotion deeply enough to motivate me. Everything I have done, accomplished in my life to this point has been from a sense of duty to someone of a higher rank than me or to an institution that I have committed to. But now that I don't have one of those in my life, I find it hard to move. I have never felt an emotion deep enough to motivate me, to make me move. Not for my family, not for my friends, and certainly not for myself.

I have never felt an emotion deep enough to motivate me. I wonder which emotion it could be... What does it feel like? This feeling called "Passion". . .

I don't know yet...

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. One, when I got home from my mission in Argentina, I remember how amazing the Wasatch Mountains looked and how colorful the valley was. When I got home from my visit to the UK I remember thinking that in Utah, even green is brown. This really is a desert.

Also, I've been thinking about communication. You see, I have a friend and I'm sure I hurt his feelings because he hasn't written to me in weeks and I haven't been around to answer the phone when he calls. That last bit is not intentional. But I don't have any words to console him if that's what he's looking for. We are friends because we choose to be. That won't change for my end. But I have no feelings of sorrow or regret and don't know why it is I keep wondering if he would write to me if I said I was sorry. I don't know what I would be apologizing for. I guess I have to wait for him to want to write to me.

Oh, and Iron Man 2 was pretty good. It's on the library list.